... though I might still want to ..., but now I have power of God to keep them away.
I was born June 21st, 1989, and I was born into a single-parent household. I think that already kind of established a bit of confusion in me, just because I didn't have a father figure. My dad was very inconsistent; he would come into my life in seasons and then come out of my life. And so, my entire framework of men for a long time was that men were not to be trusted, that men said things that they did not believe, that men did things that they did not really want to do, specifically when it related to me.
I was introduced to pornography around the age of five or six, and I was molested around the age of seven. So, you have to understand that now I'm not only fatherless, but I'm also being introduced to sexuality in its preferred form. I'm being introduced to sexuality in a way that makes it seem as if sexuality is to be outside of marriage, but also that it means that it's to be an objectifying thing, that it has no dignity attached. It has nothing to do with glory, and it has nothing to do with Jesus; it's just people doing what they want to do. And so, I'm already having kind of a confused perspective when it comes to sex itself. I think that's why our generation, or millennials if you will, I think that's why we're kind of jacked up now, is because we have been introduced to sexuality in a distorted form. And so now, when people tell us that sex is beautiful within marriage, between one man and one woman, it sounds confusing. It doesn't sound as beautiful, because that wasn't the original way we learned about it in the first place. And so, that's where I came from growing up.
I also had gender confusion, so I felt in myself that I wasn't supposed to be a woman. It felt as if this body was not my own. It felt like this body was a bit strange. I felt more comfortable being in masculine positions and doing masculine things. And honestly, to be frank, I believe the culture has assisted us in this kind of confusion, because for too long it has made femininity and masculinity things that are not biblical. For somebody like me who doesn't like pink, who doesn't wear purses because I don't like extra baggage, I would prefer to have my debit card and my phone in my back pocket. I have been told growing up that that made me a tomboy, that that made me less than feminine. And so now, when people start to question themselves, what they're questioning is things that weren't even non-feminine in the first place. And so, I was just confused.
And so, I went to church with my aunt every weekend, who was a believer. My mother is not a believer, so I didn't go to church with her. And the thing about my aunt that was crazy is that she... it was just weird to be... Christians are weird. I'm sure y'all know that. Jesus was writing on the ground, you know, while people were talking, telling people to stone people. It's like, "Why are you writing on the ground, bro? Like, what are you doing?"
My aunt was a clear contrast to my mother, and I remember there were two situations where I saw how Jesus makes people different. The first situation was, we were at a thrift store because she really loved thrifting, and this lady, I guess, cut her off. Something happened in traffic where the lady got mad at my aunt, and she just started to cuss my aunt out. My aunt, this sweet lady with like a dress down to her ankles, and listening to gospel all the time, she's just like, "God bless you, God bless you, God bless you." And she meant it, and I was so confused. I'm like, "This lady is talking to you crazy, and you just talk about some 'God bless you'? You need to curse her out too! I don't understand how you're just gonna let somebody disrespect you!" But Jesus had changed her.
The second situation was, I remember I would be at our home, and she would be singing the Psalms. And as a six-year-old, I'm like, "Why are you singing a song that doesn't rhyme? I don't really understand how like nothing connects. It's just you and Jesus." But to me, it was a distinctive difference between how she lived her life and how I saw my mother live her life, where to me it began to do something in my own conscience and in my own heart, where it's like, "Man, God really does make people different. He really does change people."
But while being in church, I still had these affections for same-sex, or these same-sex desires. I still felt in and of myself that I was not who I thought I was supposed to be. But the way they talked about my struggles from the pulpit made me feel like I wasn't too free to confess that. It seemed as if it was discussed in such a way where if I was to be open about how I felt, that it would be met with stones and not grace. It felt as if the church was not a safe place for me to be free about how my mind was thinking and how my soul felt. It felt as if I was a leper. It felt as if hell must have had a special place for me specifically. Like, that's how I felt. Like, "I'm gonna go straight to hell, and they're just gonna have a VIP just for Jackie Hill Perry right there."
But I think God was faithful in developing my conscience in such a way that though the church may not have met my feelings in a way that felt safe, I still felt as if how I felt wasn't clearly right. So, high school comes; that's when I got completely ratchet. I think in high school, if you don't have the Holy Spirit, high school just turns you into somebody else. In high school, I just started doing what I wanted to do, started to become incredibly rebellious. I still am a rebel; I just try to submit that unto Jesus. But I'm just not a fan of authority. I'm just not a fan of people telling me what to do. I was so bad, please don't follow my lead, but I was so bad to the point that my freshman year, my teacher would hand me the paper, I would sign my name and give it back to her. And she was like, "You didn't do anything!" I signed my name! Like, "You didn't... I don't get an A for effort?" Like, I just thought like she should give me a sticker or something. So, I was just a terrible student. I was a terrible person.
At a high school dance, I was 17. This young lady that I knew from middle school, she came up to me and she asked me if I would be her girlfriend. By this time, no one had ever known that I was same-sex attracted, because in that season of my life, it wasn't a cool thing to do. And so, nobody had known. So, she asked if I could be her girlfriend, and I was just like, "Girl, that is really gay! Like, you need to get out of my face!" Because I had to like, front, you know, act like that's not what I was with. But when I went home, I could not get her question out of my mind. And I sat at home and I started to wrestle with her invitation, and I started to ask myself, "Jackie, like, you've been wanting to do this for a long time. You've been feeling these desires since you were five, since you were six. Like, why not do it now?"
And so, I got on MySpace. I don't know if y'all remember that anymore. That's when time was cool. I got on MySpace. Does it even exist? Is it alive? He probably works for Zuckerberg or something, I'm sure. That's the Facebook guy. I got on MySpace and I messaged her, and we entered into a relationship that lasted maybe six and a half days. After that relationship, if you want to call it that, I called this guy because in my mind I'm like, "Okay, God doesn't like gay people, so let me just try to be straight." So, I called this dude, because yeah, I did. And I remember kissing him, and it felt like every attraction I had had for a guy had left. It felt like it wasn't natural. It felt like it wasn't normal. So, I made up in my mind that it must be that I am supposed to be gay.
So, what did I do? I got back on MySpace and I got into a relationship with one young lady who I was with for two years. In that relationship is when I transitioned into the role of a "stud." So, in the Black community, a stud is the lesbian female that dresses typically in masculine apparel. She typically is the domineering voice in the relationship; she plays the male, et cetera, et cetera. I think in white communities, sometimes it's called "butch." And so, that's what I was. And in that world, I had boxers, I sagged my pants, I wore sports bras that would flatten my chest so that you couldn't see it. At that time, I had long hair; I would just put my hair back in a ponytail. I was never bold enough to do a low cut. I was a bit scared of how I would look with short hair. And so, that's what I was. I was going to gay clubs, going to gay pride parades, engaging in that lifestyle to the fullest extent that I could.
But while I was in it, the interesting thing is, is there was this kind of dichotomy of having fun but not having joy. And I couldn't really figure out the difference between the two, because I was enjoying myself. I loved my girlfriend, I loved my friends. I felt like what I was doing was who I was. But at the same time, I could not get a hold of peace. And I didn't necessarily know how to, because I felt like Christianity was just a bunch of dutiful people. Like, they just seemed... I used to go to church and everybody just seemed unhappy. I was just like, "Why are these people so mad all the time?" Like, it's just... I just didn't want to be that. And I didn't want to wear long dresses and just listen to only gospel. Like, I just felt like that was what Christianity was. I had never known that Christianity was Jesus. I had never known that Christianity was relationship. I had never known that salvation was a supernatural work of the Spirit of God.
So, I'm in this lifestyle, I'm doing me. The interesting thing is, a Christian never spoke to me while I was in it. When I would be around Christians, they would actually look past me. They would look through me. They wouldn't look at me, they wouldn't talk to me, they would ignore me. And I'm not sure why. I can't judge their motives, but I think it could be two things... one, three things. It could be fear—fear of how I would respond to them if they told me about Jesus. I think another thing could have been self-righteousness, is that they assumed that my sin deserved more hell than their self-righteousness did. I think another thing could have been just indifference, no concern for how God was seeing me in that moment.
But the thing was, God was faithful to continue to work on me. So, my convictions just would not let up. I think that's the thing about when you kind of grow up in church is that you know too much to be able to do things without conviction. And so, I knew a lot about God, so my convictions would not wane, and I didn't like it. I would be at the club and I'm just like, "I don't understand why I'm thinking about Jesus right now. I just really wish this would go away."
So, I called my cousin. My cousin was the only believer that I knew who would not quote Revelations as soon as we got on the phone. I don't know if you know any of those kinds of saints that just won't tell you about hell every time y'all get on the phone. "You know you're going to hell, right?" I didn't... she wasn't one of those. She would actually have a conversation with me, ask me about my day. So, I called her and I was like, "Keisha, I feel like God is calling me, but I really don't want him. I just... I don't want God. Like, I'm enjoying my life. I'm having fun. I'm chilling, you know what I'm saying? Like, I could really do without him." And she told me, she was like, "God is going to show you how much you need him." I wish she didn't say that, because my life just became real bad. It just got hectic.
So, I'm just gonna say this briefly. So, my dad died; that was sucky. And then I got some money from him dying, and being the fool that I am, I got on eBay and bought a car. Don't ever buy a car on eBay, okay? Um, just don't do it. So, I got on eBay, bought a car, had that car for about four weeks, and then it got towed. Didn't have enough money to get it out the tow shop. And then I got arrested because I used to steal. And so, it just was terrible. Like, it was just like my life was just becoming ridiculous. And it felt like God was just making my life horrible for me to take notice of his goodness, for me to pay attention to him. And I think it's a mercy, because there are some people who are living wicked lifestyles and they are in lives full of prosperity, where they don't even have the opportunity to pay attention to God. And so, I think that my life being a little bit hard was God's goodness towards me.
October 2008, I'm 19, and I'm in my bed. I wasn't at a church, I wasn't at a conference, there was no altar. Once again, I wasn't going to church, and I was in my bed. I was probably watching "Making the Band" or something really irrelevant, and I felt God speak to my heart and say that the girl that I was with would be the death of me. It was deep, because I felt as if he wasn't just saying that lesbianism would be the death of me, but that my life would be the death of me. I think a lot of times when we have this conversation about homosexuality, one thing we forget is that homosexuality is only a piece of the problem.
I'll explain. One time when my testimony came out, this girl, she messaged me and she went off on me and said that I was being judgmental, being bigoted, et cetera, et cetera, and that God was okay with her lifestyle. And I asked her, "If lesbianism wasn't even an issue for you, would God still be pleased with your life? Would you still be reckoned holy and righteous?" And she said, "No." That question, what it does, is it identifies that lesbianism is not, or homosexuality is not the main problem. The problem is sin. Sin is the problem. Homosexuality is a leaf on a tree of sins. And so, on that tree, you might have liars, you might have lustful, you might have pride, you might have unrighteous anger. But what needs to be dealt with is not plucking off one sin. That's why you have some people that are saying, "You know, I asked God to make me straight, and he didn't." The problem was, is you asked God to save you from one thing and not to save you from all of you. That was the problem. And so, what needs to happen is, is that God needs to get a hold of the root. God needs to get to the root of the tree, change the tree through regeneration and sanctification and salvation, so that the leaves now will bear fruit where you will see joy and peace and self-control, and all of the things that the fruit of the Spirit will produce.
And so, in me, I noticed that I had a big issue with the Lord. So, I started to compare the costs. I started to think about everything that I loved and their consequences. So, I thought about, "Okay, I'm gay. I think it's been clear that God don't like that. I don't hurt that all my life. Okay, that's not good. Oh, I really like getting drunk. Man, that's a sin too. Um, I don't honor my parents. Man, Old Testament was very clear that that's not okay with God. Oh, goodness gracious, I'm a thief. Hell! Wow!" Like, I was just like, everything I loved was terrible. And what I saw was everything that I had affection for, everything that I enjoyed, everything that I've done naturally, that at the end of the day, it wasn't worth it.
So, I started to have this conversation with God, and I was like, "God, I... I hear what you're saying, you know, but I don't want to be straight. Like, that's just not something I want to do." And that disposition that I had is typical where if you meet those who are same-sex attracted, you will hear, if you preach Jesus, what they hear you say is, "Be straight." When in reality, Jesus is not calling us to heterosexuality. He is calling us to holiness. But it's hard to hear the difference. Hear me: heterosexuality is not the goal per se; holiness is the goal, because once I get to know Jesus, then he works out all the rest, right? I think sometimes people have become what I like to call "heterosexual evangelists," where when talking to the LGBTQ community, they will present the gospel of marriage or the gospel of being straight as if that is the goal of this life. As if when we get to heaven, we will have marriage between man and woman. Marriage won't exist. What will exist is the Lamb and the Church, will exist in the Bridegroom and the Bride. So, we can't preach marriage; we need to preach Jesus.
So, what I came to see, what I came to see was that God was ultimately calling me to himself. That God wanted me to know him, that God wanted me to love him, that God wanted me to serve him. So, I told God in my bed, I'm like, "Man, what you're calling me to is hard." I had tried to be saved about 18 times, reading a little sinner's prayer on the back of the books about heaven. And it just never seemed to work, because no one had ever explained to me that salvation was a supernatural work of the Spirit of God, that I can change my clothes all day, I can change my friends all day, I can start listening to certain music, but that would not change my heart. That would not change my nature. That would not change my mind. That I needed the Spirit of God to do the work for me.
And so, I told God, "I don't know how to do what you are calling me to do, but I know enough about you to know that you will help me." I had no idea that that was repentance, because I didn't know that word existed. I had no idea that was faith, because I didn't know that that word existed. But what had happened was, is I saw my sin rightly. I saw it as unworthy of my time. I saw it as unworthy of my attention. I saw it as worthless. I saw it as not good. I saw it as an idol. I saw it as a lie. All of my sin, hence, I saw it all for what it was, and I turned. But I didn't turn to self-righteousness. I didn't turn in on myself to think that I can make myself saved. What I did was, I turned to Christ, seeing that only he could save me, only he could change me, only he could renew me, only he could sanctify me, only he could regenerate me, and I had no choice but to believe. Faith is not optional. God was not suggesting that I would repent and believe in his name; he was commanding it. So, that's what I did, and God saved me.
And I knew I was different the next day, because I went to work. I used to work at Wendy's, so if y'all want the recipe for Julia Bacon, um, and the sour cream of chopped potato, holler at me afterwards. They do have real meat though, I'll let you know that. McDonald's, I can't vouch for them. Um, obviously, I have... I don't have... I have a thing against McDonald's anyway. I was at work and this girl walked into the restaurant, and I was behind the cash register, and she was pretty. And I remember looking at her, and in typical fashion, what I would have did two days prior would be to stare at her, lust after her, objectify her, and maybe stare at her long enough to see if she, you know, was on the same page that I was on. But in my heart, I was aware of God for the first time. And it wasn't as if God was never sovereign before. It wasn't as if I didn't believe that he saw me when I was in sin. It was just that this time, I cared. I cared about what God thought about my behavior. I had a reverence for him that I had never felt. My clothes were still the same. I still had my sports bra on and my boxers on, but this time, I wanted to honor God.
I think it's valuable to talk about temptation when talking about these discussions, because I believe some people in the church have propagated this kind of lie that to be set free from sin means to not be tempted by sin. So, I want to kill that, because I've been in churches where they'll say, "Well, you know, if God delivered you from that, you shouldn't be struggling with it. So, if you're struggling with it, then you're obviously still that, that's still who you are." The truth of the matter is that can't be true, considering Jesus, considering that it says that he was tempted, yet without sin. And so now, if to me, if Jesus was tempted, yet didn't sin, then obviously temptation can't define deliverance. Then obviously temptation can't define my identity, but rather how I respond to it. And so, being a believer means now that though I might be tempted, though I might still see beautiful women, though I might still want to lust after people, though I might still want to watch pornography, though I might still want to do things that are wicked in God's sight, but now I have power of God to keep them away.
- Jackie Hill Perry